Who Needs Two Kneecaps?
by KamalaC
Summary: Charlie is the victim of a prank, and isn't happy. "Suck it up, Larry. It won’t hurt that much, and you don’t really need two kneecaps.”


Disclaimer: Anything recognisable isn't mine. I'm just playing with them.

A/N: Inspired by a couple of lines from the TV series 'Thin Blue Line':

"I got the bomb squad on the phone. And home office wants to know what you want."

Detective Grimm: "Tell them I'm gonna shoot some bleedin' students!"

And from there, it all went downhill. Enjoy.

-WNTK-

"Six-one-nine!" Charlie shouted as he came awake. Larry looked down at him with a mixture of concern and amusement.

"619, Charles? Should I write that down somewhere?"

"Larry?" Charlie looked up at him in consternation. "What are you doing here?"

"You fell asleep on the sofa in your office again. Your first lecture's in half an hour."

"What?" The young professor yelped. Larry just smiled and handed him a change of clothes.

"Time is of the essence, Charles. I'll come back later, when you're more able to talk."

Charlie nodded, distracted, as he grabbed the clothes and retreated to a more secluded corner of the office to change his wrinkled, slept-in attire. No time for a shower, or even to grab breakfast. He had to run.

-WNTK-

Charlie had a full class-load that morning, and it wasn't until noon that he could stop for a break. He sat on a corner of his desk, trying to remember what it was that he was meant to be doing today. He had the niggling feeling that it was important.

His musings were interrupted by Amita, who briefly rapped on the door before entering.

"Hey Charlie, what's up?"

"Amita! Hi," Charlie grinned at her, then frowned in worry. "Were we… meant to do something today? I can't remember."

"We hadn't made plans," Amita shook her head and sat next to him. "But, ah… I was thinking that maybe, if you didn't have other commitments of course…"

"What?"

"Maybe… could I cook you dinner? Tonight? Just us?"

"Sure!" Charlie beamed at her. "I'd love that."

"Great," Amita smiled shyly. "I just came by to drop these off," she handed him some files, and blushed as her fingers brushed his. "Well, uh, I'll get going then." She paused, then quickly leaned forward and kissed Charlie's cheek, before all but fleeing the office.

Charlie sat staring into space and smiling for a good six minutes before returning to planet Earth and looking at the folders she'd left him. Then it clicked – where he was meant to be.

"Don!" He muttered, then jumped to his feet. He'd have to rush if he wanted to make it on time.

-WNTK-

Out in the faculty car park, Charlie was leaning through the rear door to rearrange some of the assorted mess, when he heard an appreciative whistle from behind him. He straightened hurriedly and turned, coming face-to-face with Professor Kendall De Souza, who taught advanced calculus. She was several years older than Charlie, as were most of the professors, but was still a handsome woman, who didn't seem to mind being caught whistling at a colleague's rear.

"Can… can I help you?" Charlie stuttered.

"You just did," Kendall smiled. It scared Charlie a little, though he thought it was best not to say so. "Anyway, I figured it was about time I told you this. I have a small cabin a few hours up the coast… if you're not doing anything this weekend, you should drop by. It can get awful lonely by myself." With a wink, Kendall pushed her card into Charlie's non-responsive fingers, blew him a kiss and turned to walk away.

Charlie stood, a little shell-shocked, for several minutes before his phone brought him back to reality. A message from Don had arrived, saying that the agent was running late and to just wait in the bullpen until he got there. Snapping out of his daze, Charlie climbed into his car and headed toward the FBI office.

Something weird was going on, but he wasn't sure exactly what. It reminded him of something, but he was too busy concentrating on the road to spare a thought for today's oddness.

-WNTK-

In the office, Charlie sat on Don's desk, idly folding paper into origami sculptures.

"That's really pretty," Megan commented, and Charlie looked up, startled.

"Oh, hey, Megan," he smiled before proffering the flower. "Here, have a present."

"Thanks," Megan smiled coyly as she accepted the gift. "You know, I still have the first one you made me. It sits on top of my computer monitor."

"Really?" Charlie grinned back. "I'll have to make you some more, you can start a collection." Megan giggled, and Charlie paused. That wasn't a sound he often heard from the profiler. She leaned against the desk as well, her shoulder brushing his gently.

"Hey Charlie, know what day it is today?" She asked. Charlie blinked.

"Uh, no…" he turned his head to look at the date on the computer screen behind him, then froze.

February 14.

Valentine's Day.

Oh, _NO!_

Charlie leapt to his feet, startling Megan, and began rummaging through Don's drawers frantically.

"Come on, I know you're her somewhere," he muttered. "Ha! Found you!"

Before Megan could see what it was he'd been after, Charlie bolted from the room. She blinked, then shrugged. He'd be back later, she was sure.

-WNTK-

Fifteen minutes later, Don was trying to sort out his desk again, when Charlie appeared. He had apparently just had a shower; his hair was still dripping, and that coupled with the expression on his face made him look like a drowned puppy. Don stifled a laugh, then took in his attire. Charlie was now wearing the spare set of clothes that his brother kept in his bottom drawer.

"Hey Don," Charlie started without preamble. "Can I borrow your gun?"

"Why?" Don asked, immediately suspicious.

"'Cause I'm gonna shoot some bleedin' students!" Charlie all but growled. Don and the others all laughed. "I'm serious! Every damn year they do this!"

"Do what?" David asked, still grinning.

"Dose me with pheromones," Charlie grumbled. "They claim that they're 'helping with my love life', when in reality it just makes everything more complicated."

"Wait… pheromones?" Colby looked confused. "Why would…"

"It makes him irresistible to any female who comes near him," Don explained. "I remember you complaining about this last year."

"And you're complaining… why?" Colby looked genuinely confused. Charlie sighed in annoyance.

"Because it's not real. Hell, before I realised what was going on, Megan was hitting on me!"

That sobered everyone up. They all knew that ordinarily, Megan wasn't interested in Charlie – for her to be hitting on him, something had to be very wrong.

"Wait a second," David was trying to remember something. "I remember last year now. Weren't you relieved because that group of students were graduating? Are any of them still at Cal Sci?"

"Hang on," Charlie paused. "You're right. They're all gone. So how…" The elevator dinged, and a familiar face stepped out. "Larry," this time Charlie did growl. He stood and lifted Colby's gun before the agent could react.

By the time the other agents clued in and followed Charlie, Larry was backing away, hands raised in supplication.

"Now, Charles, come on…"

"Suck it up, Larry. It won't hurt that much, and you don't _really_ need two kneecaps."

A quick glance told Don that the gun's safety switch was still on, and Charlie's finger was outside of the trigger guard, so he just let himself laugh with the team, as Larry tired to placate a furious math professor.

He just hoped Larry wouldn't give away where he'd gotten the clothes that morning. Although, looking at Charlie's face… maybe he should be digging out the flak vest right now.


End file.
